If you are an introvert, like me, you’re in very good company! Even though it feels like a very extroverted world out there, and most business advice is written by extroverts for extroverts, the truth is introverts make up about 1/2 the population. That’s why it’s great to find courses, coaching and support from other introverts. It’s one of the things I address in the Shine Out and Prosper program too.

By the way, introverts aren’t always shy or even quiet–but by definition they need a lot of time alone to recharge and nurture themselves.   And some introverts are also HSPs, Highly Sensitive Person, which is something different…many of my clients are HSPs, and I am too, so that will be a topic for another blog post.   If you were ever told you were “too sensitive” you do need to know about the HSP trait and I recommend “The Highly Sensitive Person”” by Dr. Elaine Aron.     Back to introversion…

Here is a great article by Tanja Gardner of Crytal Clarity Copywriting on the Top 3 Energy Sinks for Introverted Biz Owners (and how to deal with them).

“Have you noticed that introversion has suddenly become a REALLY big deal? If you’ve spent time online lately, you’ll know that introversion is a major hot topic. Online publications from Huffington Post to Forbes.com to Salon to the freaking Times of India are acknowledging what we introverts already know. That there are rather a lot of us out there. And that once we figure out how to use our unique strengths, we can become seriously successful…

You might wonder why being introverted is such big news.

After all, extroversion or introversion is really just about how your energy levels respond when you interact with other people. Extroverts get a buzz from interactions, and start to wilt when they spend too long alone. Introverts (like me), are just the opposite – we thrive on alone-time and reflection, while back-to-back interactions flatten us.

Discovering that you’re not the only one can be life-changing for introverts!

Learning about what introversion is really about was a game-changer for me. Suddenly, a whole load of things that had confused me about how my brain works made sense. And finding out that I wasn’t the only introvert out there (depending who you ask, somewhere between 25-57% of the population is introverted) was crazy-reassuring.

But even after I realised this, there were still three major energy sinks that could knock me off balance as an introverted business owner. And if I didn’t do something to manage each energy sink, it would keep me that way. Here’s what they are, and how I deal with them.

Energy sink #1: Overscheduling

Yes, sure: extroverts can overschedule themselves too. But this energy sink is particularly relevant for introverts because we rely on getting downtime to ourselves in between appointments to recharge.

That means that “spending” energy on consecutive commitments without time alone in between to “power up” again is a recipe for exhaustion. To avoid this:
•Give yourself permission not to have to do it all: figure out what’s important to you, focus on that, and try to let go of the rest
•Schedule in your weekends and down-time FIRST, then schedule energy-demanding commitments around those blocks
•Where humanly possible, don’t book back-to-back appointments into your calendar

Energy sink #2: not blocking in enough of the right kind of alone-time

As introverts, our defining characteristic is that time alone replenishes our energy.

But not all alone-time activities recharge all introverts equally. Some folks might need to be out in nature to replenish their energy. Others might need to have four walls around them. Some might need the endorphins that come from exercise. And still others want to curl up with a book, or journal, or meditate.

To ensure you get enough of the kind of time you need:
•Identify what you need from your downtime for it to truly energise you – remember it can be different for everyone
•Set specific boundaries to ensure you get what you need during your time off
•Manage the day-to-day things that inevitably crop up to threaten those boundaries (often just five minutes after you set them!)

Energy sink #3: comparing yourself to extroverts

Like I said earlier, we live in an extroverted world. So it’s easy to believe that if you don’t respond like extroverts do – if you’re exhausted by things they enjoy – there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

But comparing yourself to extroverts often just makes the energy drain worse. Don’t get me wrong: if you’re introverted, interacting does actually cost you energy. But when you make that energy drain mean there’s something wrong with you, you create a vicious cycle that just exhausts you even more. To avoid this:

•Read more about introversion: the more you learn about it, the more you recognize its strengths and gifts, and the less you see it as some kind of flaw. I recommend Self-Promotion for Introverts by Nancy Ancowitz, Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe, and The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney.
•Connect with other introverts: building relationships with other introverts means you get the benefit of their ideas, experiences and resources. It also means they’re more likely to interact in introvert-friendly ways that are less exhausting!
•Keep an eye out for introvert-specific business training: so many of today’s training programmes are written by extroverts for extroverts. Methods that are perfect for those extroverts can just exhaust introverts (and bring out our comparison demons). So, look for training written specifically for introverts instead.”

(end of article)

Introverts…relax…rejoice..and learn how to use this trait as a strength.   And as Tanja suggests, seek out training specifically for introverts.

In support of  your  success and joyful abundance,

Ellen

For more info about the Shine Out and Prosper Program: http://solopreneurwoman.com/shine-prosper/

For Tanja’s website: http://crystalclaritycopywriting.com/

 

Categories : Solopreneurs
Comments (0)

Words that work…at work!

Women tend to use words that weaken or devalue themselves, and handicap themselves by their language. I want to share this excerpt from a great article by Stacey Gordon. (credits and link at the end)

As you read, notice: which of these words or expressions do you use and which are you willing to cut out of your vocabulary?

“Recently, I interviewed a woman for a human resources job who was extremely qualified with excellent skills. While discussing where she would like to take her career, she mentioned that a friend asked her if she would consider a job with his company as Vice President and she said she didn’t think she was ready for the job. As she continued talking about her career direction, I stopped listening. I was stuck on the magnitude of what she had just done.

Too often, the words women use devalue their worth and can immediately categorize them as inferior, weak, unqualified and unworthy of the job being offered. (Click here to tweet this thought.) Ask a guy if he can do a specific job, and he will eagerly say yes. Ask a woman, and she’ll give any number of qualifying answers.

So let’s figure out how we can remove those qualifiers from our communication and substitute them with words and phrases that will help us to get ahead in our careers. Make room for the following in your vocabulary:

1. “YES!”

The first and most important word women can use to get ahead in their careers is “yes.” The woman in the example above should have said, “Yes, I would love to discuss how I could partner with you in human resources in your company.”

“Yes, I will apply for the job for which I am 95% qualified.” “Yes, I believe I can do the job.” “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Unless a huge case of nepotism is in play, most people do not offer opportunities to unqualified people. Therefore, when singled out for a project, to be team leader, for a promotion or a raise, anything other than an emphatic yes is unacceptable.

Obviously, if you really don’t want what’s being offered, decline politely, but don’t let the reason you say no be related to a lack of confidence in your abilities.

By not saying yes, you are automatically saying, “I’m unqualified, I’m unsure of myself, I’m not confident in my abilities, and I’m not the person for this job now (or probably ever).”

2. No Apologies
How many times do you say “I’m sorry” throughout the day?

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get back to you sooner.” “I’m sorry, but we don’t have the information you need.” “I’m sorry, but we had to change the meeting time.” “I’m sorry; X wasn’t available so we had to substitute Y.”

I’m going to need you to stop apologizing. Things happen, work goes on and most of what you find yourself apologizing for isn’t even your fault. Stop being apologetic, because apologizing is a sign of weakness. Save the “I’m sorry” for your family members who will actually appreciate it.

The above sentences don’t change when you remove those three little words. What you’re really trying to do by apologizing is to show a little empathy, so do that by providing a reason rather than an apology.

3. “Let Me Research It”
Too often, we say “I don’t know” or “I can’t” as a quick way to extricate ourselves from a situation. However, these phrases close the door to future opportunity. They paint you as a person who not only is unable to do the task that was asked, but who’s unwilling to attempt to help.

If you really don’t know, offer to find out. Upon further research, you may find someone else who’s better suited for the task, or you may find there’s a really easy solution. If you can’t help because of a scheduling conflict, being out of the office or some other reason, again, offer a solution: “I’m unavailable to attend that meeting, but Sally is up to speed on this issue and can assist in my absence.”

4. There Is No Try
In the famous words of Yoda, “Do or do not. There is no try.”

There’s a reason we tell our children not to use the word “try” — it undermines what you’re saying and leaves room for the possibility you won’t accomplish the task at all. It’s an easy out.

Stop saying things like “I’ll take a stab at it” or “I’ll give it a go,” which raise doubt in the mind of the person asking. Instead, be confident and say, “I will have the project completed by X date.” Then DO IT!

5. “I Recommend…”
Women are already stereotyped as being the softer sex. So starting a sentence with “I feel,” “I believe” or “I think” is really not the best way to go. It qualifies what you’re saying and devalues the worth of anything that comes afterwards. “I feel” is an emotion, not a fact.

Rather than say “I think we should take this course of action” , which is weaker, back it up with something. “Based upon the market research, we should take this course of action.”

If you find your suggestions are being ignored, you’re not being considered for special projects, or you’re sabotaging yourself by not stepping up, think about the way you speak, the words you use and how you’re perceived in business.

A few small changes can begin to make a big difference in your career.

Do you believe women devalue themselves at work? Share your thoughts below!

Stacey Gordon-5 Words and Phrases Women Should Use to Get Ahead in Their Careers.
http://www.careerattraction.com/5-words-and-phrases-women-should-use-to-get-ahead-in-their-careers/ Connect with Stacey on LinkedIn and Twitter.

Hey, Over Here!

Just as women tend NOT to keep our hands up in class, or defer to men at corporate meetings, we hesitate in every area of life to say, “Over here, please, I’ve got something important to say” and we often won’t keep our hand up till we are heard.

This is especially true in gatherings with both and men and women, whether business or social, and certainly in classes, trainings and workshops. At your next dinner party, meeting or gathering, pay attention to that. How much do the women speak, and do they mostly agree with and support others, or assert their own opinions? And the men?

Clearly this is a problem with deep roots and wide implications, much of which I can’t address here.

Let’s look closer at how this plays out for a woman in her own business, which is the focus for this and the next several blog posts. . Lack of confidence can lead to indecision and waffling, waiting for the perfect website, copy, or business offering before putting anything out there. Being overworked and underpaid is a big problem for women too.

Here’s a common place of indecision for many: even after having been advised to pick your niche and ‘plant your flag’, to declare who your clients are and how you serve them, you can’t decide or you resist the idea of niching. It’s hard to plant a flag if you are deferring to some internalized concept of a ‘perfect’ business, you’re waiting for someone to ‘call on you’ and tell you ‘Hey, great business concept”! If you don’t believe strongly in your ideas and your abilities or tend to always think others are better or have it more together, then you may waffle and avoid that moment of stepping out and declaring boldly what your business is, who it serves, and what results you get.

The not-good-enough problem makes you work harder, and accept a lower salary or lower fees than you might otherwise. After all you are still proving yourself to someone, right?

There’s a variation on not-good-enough that even has its own name, the ‘impostor syndrome’, documented in psychology studies. This affects men as well as women, and this is about how many successful accomplished people, when interviewed in depth, admitted to feeling like a fraud, a fake, an impostor. Even attorneys and other professionals said they didn’t feel fully knowledgeable or legit.

Clearly, this confidence thing is BIG for us as women and as entrepreneurs. Our level of confidence affects our ability to define our business, declare our niche and ideal client, and make the myriad of decisions that go with being in business. It affects whether we see the value of our work and charge accordingly, enthusiastically and clearly speak for your business and what you offer, even whether we can attract joint venture partners and capital. Ultimately, it affects how much you earn, and the quality of your life. We need to appreciate and acknowledge our abilities, to have the outer posture and inner stance that “I matter and what I have to say is important.” We need to envision ourselves successful, and project our energy out there in the world—to plant our flag and have our voices and wisdom be heard.

We need to stop waiting for Someone to “stamp” us or our work with their seal of approval stamp. It’s certainly nice to receive approval and appreciation but so often there really is no one there to give us a stamp of approval—we have to boldly follow our inner guidance. So, go ahead: Give that “approved” stamp to yourself and get on with things.

Finally at this ripe age, I am finally doing that–giving myself the approval and green light to be me–and I’m having a whole lot more FUN, MEANING and CLIENT ATTRACTION happening.

My challenge to the women and men who resonate with this message: Go ahead–Plant that flag, toot that horn, give yourself that “Approved” stamp..and watch what happens!

Categories : Solopreneurs
Comments (0)

Sure, men can lack confidence (and they often mask the lack differently than women) but study after study shows that this is a much bigger problem for women. We tend to be less confident—regardless of how talented we are. We are much more critical of ourselves and tend to have perfectionistic standards for ourselves. This starts young but becomes much more noticeable from the ages of 8-9 onwards, when girls tend to dumb themselves down.

There are many reasons why, including that girls and women are taught to be more yielding and obedient, not to be outspoken or assert ourselves. As women, our natural style of communication, which is less fact-based and more based on emotions and social connections, has not been valued. Therefore we tend to doubt and undermine ourselves as we speak, and water things down. We are more often interrupted, ignored or talked over, and our words, and we ourselves, as women, have not been respected or taken as seriously. A groundbreaking book on this is “In A Different Voice” by Carol Gilligan.

We are so conditioned to being undermined, dismmissed or trivialized, that it shows up in our voice, posture and movements—even when we take center stage as a speaker and authority. In my training at the Authentic Speaker Academy, I noticed that each of the women speakers did some kind of shrug, giggle or other minimizing or hiding gesture whenever their speech called for them to assert their knowledge or make a declarative sentence. It was quite an eye-opener to see this so clearly.

Beyond research studies, it’s easy to observe the gender gap in confidence in everyday life. In her book about women and leadership called “Leaning In” , Sheryl Sandberg, CEO of Facebook, describes a meeting with consultants, where all of the women from the consulting firm seated themselves at a separate table, unasked, on their own—and stayed apart from the main boardroom table even though they were peers of their male colleagues. I experienced different versions of this many times during my 18 year career in the male dominated world of corporate finance and accounting.

I have no interest in blaming the women, or even the men, in this story. What needs attention and changing is the systemic undermining of women from our earliest days. We need to become more aware of it, and address this problem on many levels—starting with our everyday thoughts, feelings and actions. As a woman, whether you have a business, corporate career or mission in the world—for profit or not—you need to examine how holding back, perfectionism and procrastination are slowing down your progress towards your goals and impacting your business negatively. Awareness of this is key–but don’t stop there!

The next step is to learn how to address and transform these confidence issues, for your own personal growth, empowerment and prosperity and to become a model, inspiration and sister to other girls and women. This work around confidence needs to happen for your success in business, for the evolution of women-and men and the future of the Earth.

Now that’s what I call productive and enlightened multi-tasking!

Categories : Solopreneurs
Comments (2)

GROWING YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE – 7 KEYS FOR  WOMEN IN BUSINESS

What is confidence?
One dictionary definition is: “a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something”.

Self-confidence seems like one of those things you either were born with or not.   That is mostly NOT true–great  news for all of us, and especially for women in any kind of business. Think of how confident you were when you took your very first step as a toddler: not very.   Yet, you stopped wobbling a long time ago. Now, do you assume you can walk or do you doubt each step?   No, you learned to be confident in your ability to walk.   You LEARNED by doing, by trying, wobbling, falling down and getting up again.

Lack of confidence makes us wobble in business and feel unsure of ourselves.   It also leads to the two P’s: Procrastination and Perfectionism.
“No, I can’t get that program out yet…I don’t have enough to offer.   I need more training, or better copy, or a prettier website.”   What’s your version of this? More importantly, when will you be ready, your offer good enough, your business polished enough?

Perfectionism rears its ugly head by insisting we need to get it right and ‘do the job’ ten times better than anyone else, just to feel adequate.     When your self-esteem depends on getting things right or being perfect, you will overwork—and probably undercharge as well.

Procrastination chimes in when it comes to taking a risk, like  putting your new program, product or marketing out there.   Lack of confidence makes you hesitate to take risks because “what if I’m wrong?”.   If, like most women, you were trained to be good, not make waves, and get the right answer in school–your self-esteem depends on getting things right, NOT on the number of chances you take!

The most successful entrepreneurs have confidence—not necessarily in their particular abilities, though of course that’s helpful—but in their ability to take risks and recover from challenges and set backs.   They are resilient and adaptable.   This is actually quite different from the kind of cocky self-esteem or bravado that we might associate with self-confidence.   I’ll tell you more about that later as it’s one of the 7 Keys to Self-Confidence in this current series of
blog posts.

Contrast that kind of hesitancy with how men are taught and raised….I still remember one of my coaches, Michael Port, saying “Ready,fire, aim!”.   I almost laughed because that was SO far from the way I and many women, operate.     Even the language was strange to me–shooting my clients is the last thing I ever want to do.   I realized Michael didn’t’ mean that literally, he was simply using the common language of business which was developed by men and is still the dominant mindset in the business world.   That aggressive, hunt-em-down language is a huge turn-off for me, and the women and men I serve, and in that moment I promised myself I’d  find and use new heart-based metaphors and language for business.

The main point he was making, which most women need to take to heart more, was “don’t wait to be perfect, get it out there, and then tweak it later. Get into action..!”

Where is your lack of confidence, perfectionism or procrastination holding YOU back from  promoting your business or taking inspired action?

That was on a card I gave to a friend—it hung on her bulletin board for years and made me smile every time.

In this “self-talk for success” mini course I seem to be writing for the 31 day Ultimate Blogging Challenge, it’s officially time to LIGHTEN UP.   I mean SERIOUSLY now, folks!   The minute you can find the humor in something you did (or didn’t do), you’re out of the trap of self criticism.       When you find yourself asking, “Now WHY did I do that?” or”Why didn’t I   think of that solution earlier?” or whatever has you slapping yourself upside your head…can you find the absurdity or the humor instead?
Even when something is truly no laughing matter,  you can restore your sanity and get back to a creative and inspired place with some laughter therapy.   Laughter has countless health benefits , including oxygenating the body which helps us think more clearly.   If you haven’t heard of laughter yoga, go check it out online or find a local class.   Great fun and very healing.

Here are some lighten up tools from the systems I work with:
1. Gobbledygook sounds: Speak nonsense words to another   person with inflections like you were actually conversing with them.   You’ll be giggling in no time.     Rumor has it that a group of scientists liked this so much, they now begin every meeting with gobbledygook.

2. Imagine whatever it is that you need to lighten up about is tiny, or huge, or play with the size of the characters, shrinking them down or blowing them up large, like Alice in Wonderland, or see the situation in a fun house mirror.

3. Fake it till you make it laughter: Even when there is absolute NOTHING funny, this will end up making your body feel as though you are laughing and you will get the health and emotional benefits of real laughter.   Plus you will almost certainly start laughing for real.

How to: Inhale, lean back slightly, throw your hands up over your head and bring them down as though you were slapping your thighs in hysterical laughter, exhale with a “ ha ha” sound.   Keep going and for even more laughs, do it a room with a bunch of   other people.

Go get lighter, I mean seriously dude!

LEven if they’re self-induced!   ESPECIALLY those!

I was just minding my own business online when an interesting email from a friend about solar flares and how they are affecting us caught my attention.   Since I’m on a mad blogging spree, I thought well, “I’d like to blog that! People need to know what is going on”   (and it helped me immensely as I’ve been feeling most strange lately, like a flu with no real flu symptoms).

Before I knew it I had logged into my other gmail account I don’t check that often (in order to get into my blog).   But I didn’t go to the blog, my other blog called http://heartsabode.blogspot.com, I started answering emails in that gmail account.   I completely lost track of what I was there for.   Meantime, I’ve got offers to finalize and things to get out to my webmaster….Whew!

In the healing arts and in counseling there is so much training and conversation about boundaries. Most of that focus was on relationships with other people.   But what about our relationship to information, especially online.   I would like to discover some good strategies for dealing with this so I don’t hijack my own time or allow non priorities to do so.

One of my coaches says she does not answer emails until her low energy time at 3pm, since other people’s emails are their agenda for her.   Of course she does have office assistants!   Still, answeirng emails at set times of day sounds like a plan.

Meantime, I will apply one of my own most useful questions here: What am I avoiding that needs to be get done here, by being on this onine distraction jag?

Okay, got it….on to taking that action.   I feel more focused and better already!

PS One of my upcoming offerings is called Joyful Manifesting, powerful energy work to clear out what stops you from having what you want.   PLUS a bonus new program free called  Manifesting Prosperity and Peace of Mind.   It’s not up on this site yet but you can check it out Joyfull Manifesting at www.joyful.manifesting.com.

Categories : Solopreneurs
Comments (0)

I’ve been sharing with you how our survival programming causes us to resist change.   Down to our very cells, we are oriented to keeping things the same.    This has worked very well to keep humans alive and to continue the species.

But today’s conditions are radically different than what our bodies were designed for.   In business, those who refuse to grow and adapt to new technologies and to the fast pace of change get left behind. A good friend of mine, a successful veterinarian who has done business online since the early days of the internet, told me he’d ignored social media for about two years.   Traffic to his site started slowing down until he realized what was happening.

I confess I’ve resisted social media and adapting new technologies. I didn’t get what the ‘big deal’ was about social media and haven’t wanted to have to change what I’m doing with technology and marketing.   My passion is serving my clients, empowering and inspiring them, and providing great learning programs.   The joy is in that, not in marketing or in mastering new technology!   Like most solopreneurs, I wasn’t looking for a business, I was looking for a way to bring my work into the world, which asks me to set up and run my practice as a business.   I call it the accidental entrepreneur syndrome.

I have a colleague in Santa Fe, prosperity coach Joan Sotkin, who has been an early adapter of social media.   Her enthusiasm has inspired me, especially her statement that “Social media has opened the whole world to me”.  So, slowly, reluctantly, I’m getting with ‘the program.   And trusting that there is a place in the world for turtles like me, or why would there be any of us? Are you a turtle too? f you are a slow adapter, know that you are not alone.    We can support each other and ourselves in moving forward at the pace that feels natural to us.

Meantime, my attitude is changing.   I am seeing the amazing connections and opportunities this new world opens up, in terms of meeting interesting people, creating joint ventures, expanding my world, and reaching more people.     I commit to finding what works for me, and doing it strategically and consistently.    There, I’ve gone public!

What about you, what new adaptation are you willing to commit to?As I go deeper into blogging and learn more about social media, my attitude is changing.   I don’t necessarily want to spend as much time on the computer as I am, but I see now the amazing connections and opportunities that this new world opens up, in terms of meeting interesting people,   creating joint ventures, and reaching the world.   It’s actually getting to be (dare I say) fun !

 

In the last post I was talking about how we humans drive with the brakes on.   Why would we want to defeat ourselves?   Seems kind of perverse.

Actually it makes sense if you look at the world for which our basic instincts and nervous system evolved.   When food was scarce, when predators (animal or human) threatened our survival, when babies often died, we were encoded to survive and to stay safe.

For example, our bodies tend to respond to less food by slowing down our metabolism—because in the past, less food meant famine or starvation so we needed to use less fuel.   That’s one of the problems with very low calorie diets and why if you’ve done a number of calorie restriction diets, it gets harder and harder to lose weight. Our bodies stubbornly hold onto the fat and the weight because the message is “uh oh, starvation conditions”.

It was a good adaptation when food was scarce but causes problems in our modern world.   Most of us here in the US and the western world don’t live in starvation conditions, we live with a superabundance of food.   This metabolic cycle shows how our biological systems, including our nervous system, program us to choose staying safe over taking risks and growing. As cell biologist Dr. Bruce Lipton says in his work “The Biology of Belief”, our cells can only be in survival or growth mode, not both simultaneously.

When we are in fear and survival mode, we won’t take the steps we need to grow, because that involves risk. It’s easy to spiral downward from there, as many people are doing these days, with fears about paying the bills, getting new clients, even losing their home through foreclosure, etc.

The first step is recognizing when we’re in the downward survival spiral, when we’re getting into fear, worry and anxiety—and that these emotions and perceptions are getting in our way. The next step is to acknowledge with love, “this is what’s happening, I’m in the fear cycle” and then saying no, “I’m not going down further.”

This interrupts the spiral. Finally, if you have tools for handling your feelings and shifting your beliefs and emotions, get to work using them; if not, I’m happy to help!

 

Jul
07

People do what works!

By · Comments (0)

I love that quote of Dr. Phil’s.   It takes me out of self blame and smacking myself upside the head. So if I am looking at  a  self defeating behavior or  some negative self-talk, I can gently ask myself “How is  this working? What IS the hidden payoff here?”

Even  the most negative patterns have a hidden payoff. They are an attempt to  do SOMETHING for us that is positive. Try asking yourself, “What does this behavior actually get me?” “What is the payoff?”    If you’re working with your child aspects or “parts”  you can ask a particular part like your sulky three year old, “What are you trying to do for me (and use her name)?”   or “Oh, self-defeating habit, what ARE you trying to get that you think would be good for me?”

Be curious, be wlling to be surprised.

Hint: 9 times out of 10, what the habit is trying to do for you is to keep you safe and in your  comfort zone.  (Even when the comfort zone is no longer comfortable! We tend to stick with what we know even when it’s not so good, just because it’s familiar).   Other side of the coin: usually the habit is a way to stay small, invisible, under the radar or avoid success.

Perverse, isn’it? Why would we want to stay small or avoid success?   Seems irrational and like we are working against ourselves.   Yet  at a deeper level, it all makes sense.   I’ll explore that mystery more in the next post.

But back to the hidden payoff.   First you  discover what it is, or what need it’s trying to get met for you.   Then  you can see  how to meet this need yourself or get it met.  What would be supportive and help you move forward with self -love?  If the need is safety, start looking for ways to create more safety in your life—talking to a friend or coach, seeking a group, learning techniques like Sedona method or EFT to manage your emotions better, reducing stress through exercise, meditation, diet, supplements, etc.

What are you doing that really works for you, and what are you doing that is working but only to keep you safe?