Jul
07

People do what works!

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I love that quote of Dr. Phil’s.   It takes me out of self blame and smacking myself upside the head. So if I am looking at  a  self defeating behavior or  some negative self-talk, I can gently ask myself “How is  this working? What IS the hidden payoff here?”

Even  the most negative patterns have a hidden payoff. They are an attempt to  do SOMETHING for us that is positive. Try asking yourself, “What does this behavior actually get me?” “What is the payoff?”    If you’re working with your child aspects or “parts”  you can ask a particular part like your sulky three year old, “What are you trying to do for me (and use her name)?”   or “Oh, self-defeating habit, what ARE you trying to get that you think would be good for me?”

Be curious, be wlling to be surprised.

Hint: 9 times out of 10, what the habit is trying to do for you is to keep you safe and in your  comfort zone.  (Even when the comfort zone is no longer comfortable! We tend to stick with what we know even when it’s not so good, just because it’s familiar).   Other side of the coin: usually the habit is a way to stay small, invisible, under the radar or avoid success.

Perverse, isn’it? Why would we want to stay small or avoid success?   Seems irrational and like we are working against ourselves.   Yet  at a deeper level, it all makes sense.   I’ll explore that mystery more in the next post.

But back to the hidden payoff.   First you  discover what it is, or what need it’s trying to get met for you.   Then  you can see  how to meet this need yourself or get it met.  What would be supportive and help you move forward with self -love?  If the need is safety, start looking for ways to create more safety in your life—talking to a friend or coach, seeking a group, learning techniques like Sedona method or EFT to manage your emotions better, reducing stress through exercise, meditation, diet, supplements, etc.

What are you doing that really works for you, and what are you doing that is working but only to keep you safe?

 

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